This blog began as a way for me to come to terms with my dads death. Since then, its shifted slightly to an exploration of creativity. To be creative is to invite fear to have a seat at the table.
I am learning to live with fear, but walk in peace.
I have left the story of my dad below, for this is where it began.
On the sunny afternoon of July 21 2015, age 65, my beloved father breathed his last breath as my mum, my brothers and I stood beside. In that moment, as my vision blurred with salt water and my heart made its way into my throat, I was overcome with a strong epiphany. I said out loud, “You just won Dad, you just won.” The revelation, that death had been defeated. Even though it was so potent in the moment, I struggle to grasp it now.
My Dad had a beast in him called Cancer. Like a wolf tracking its prey, the beast weaved through muscle and bone leaving its prints behind. Marking its territory with a deathly scent. This wolf, clothed now as grief, waits at my door. I dare not let it in for fear of its suffocating breath. But I watch it for a long time There’s something about it. A gentleness, a protection, a calm…danger.
This blog is a way for me to invite the wolf in. And perhaps, step by step, inch by inch, we will again sit together.
In many ways, this blog feels like a self indulgent exploration of grief. Lone floating in the ocean of me. But I sincerely hope it’s more than that. I hope that somehow my wandering thoughts meet yours, and toe to toe may they dance a little. Or perhaps that my hearts cry may echo in the chambers of your chest, telling you that you are not alone.